Her methods aside, most parents I know would agree with Amy Chua (author of The Battle Hymn of the Tiger Mother) when she says “the best way to protect…children is by preparing them for the future, letting them see what they’re capable of, and arming them with skills, work habits, and inner confidence that no one can ever take away.” (1) All of that, especially the part about “no one can ever take away,” was an important piece in my parenting. I wanted my sons to understand at a deep level within themselves, that their core identity was intact always—no matter if they failed or succeeded—and that they alone held the decision-making process to further their development, or not. I was their co-pilot.

Because of my profession, I had the advantage of knowing the best parental practices that worked…at least on paper. Knowing and doing are two entirely different birds. Even though I failed many times, as we all do when trying hard to get it right for our kids, it helped me to have a handle on those critically-important-things-for-parents-to-do-that-give-the-best-chances-for-the-most-positive-outcomes. I have summed many up in the Parent Coach Certification® Training Program so that family support professionals would have this information to help parents. I have identified the top five in my book, Parenting Well in a Media Age. And over the span of three decades I have helped thousands of parents to tease out what’s most important during the non-stop distractions in rearing children.

So what would be the critically-important-thing-for-parents-to-do-that-give-the-best-chances-for-the-most-positive-outcomes for children to grow into adults “armed with skills, work habits and inner confidence that no one can ever take away?”

Teach them how to persevere when faced with a difficulty—all kinds of difficulties. Cognitive difficulties such as a math problem they’re grappling to solve, emotional difficulties such as adjusting to a new school, or just your average, daily difficulty such as struggling with putting on socks. Children need to stay in the messy, uncomfortable place long enough for the answer, the new feeling of peace, or the sock to fall into place. Practice does make perfect and so often, the temptation of quick success overrides the determination needed to stay in the trying phase and keep trying until the desired outcome is realized. In our instant everything world, this is often tricky for children and teens to learn and difficult for parents to teach.

However, there is one way to get started that I know helps moms and dads create the space necessary to teach their children perseverance: Reduce or totally limit passive TV time and any nonsensical video game, gadget, or Internet time.

Children can stay with frustrating experiences for longer periods if they spend less time with mindless use of screen machines. It will be so much easier to encourage your child “to take more time working on the math problem,” if he isn’t in the habit of living in a virtual world. School success depends upon the child’s inner core being able to companion a frustrating process to an acceptable solution. And, of course, when able to stay a difficult course, a child’s self-respect grows. What a grin from ear to ear and what a feeling of satisfaction children experience when they have been to the edge and so wanted to give up—but didn’t.That’s true for all of us, isn’t it?

I recently interviewed a successful personal trainer on the subject of motivation. What makes some people able to push through to get to the next level of fitness? Why do others give up? In his years of work, he has observed that the “push-throughers” are able to experiment with new techniques, exercises, etc., without freaking out if they fail. They have an attitude of yes, it’s going to hurt, it’s going to be uncomfortable, it’s going to take more from me than I think I can give, and, yes, I will do it imperfectly until I get it. Going to these places is part of the expected journey to fitness. Anticipating that it won’t be easy these folks can “push themselves.” And what’s more, they know this process never ends—as they improve with certain exercises and movements, a good trainer presents the next level of difficulty. This is expected because they know their own line between overworking and underachieving. In essence, achievers determine their own frustrating process that works to nudge them—just enough—without collapsing. Although the trainer presents the exercise program, achievers are internally driven to practice what works for them to move forward. And they do.

For successful people, normal means moving through a frustrating, uncomfortable process, achieving the goal, and starting over again with a new goal. Now if only all parents could bottle what attunes high achievers to accomplish this! I believe it is a combination of self-knowledge that once in a challenging situation it takes time and effort to overcome it, along with the acceptance of frustration as a normal part of the process.Achievers learn quickly it’s OK to feel uncertain and be uncomfortable, expecting negative feelings to be replaced with positive ones when success is reached. They stay with the difficult process long enough to feel success. By doing so they reinforce their will and determination. They feel stronger because they have become stronger. They feel more successful because they have succeeded. It’s true: success breeds success. Once a child tastes success that originated from his/her own sweat equity there’s no stopping them. Taking on challenges becomes a natural part of living.

The actual participation in difficulties perfects the self-reinforcing success process. We can use screen machines to provide such practice. For instance, when a teen writes her own poetry on her iPad, she is using generative cognitive skills and must think, ponder, decide, cancel out, and stay with the process of making her message in the form she wants. She must monitor herself in the creative act and make on-going choices—often difficult choices—to say what she means to say. She perseveres to her intended outcome and feels the thrill of creative accomplishment. Playing video or computer games, as well, reinforces feelings of satisfaction and success. We have to be sure that the game is non-violent otherwise negative, anti-human messages are reinforced and the child or teen feels and becomes successful mimicking anti-social, even evil behaviors.

Usually the mundane uses of digital gadgets don’t do much to teach our kids to persevere to an outcome. Chatting with friends, texting, and playing inane computer games won’t allow a growing brain the types of opportunities necessary to learn how to stay in a frustrating process. And passive TV viewing? Forget it. Such viewing time can be considered “prolonged idleness of the prefrontal cortex.” (2) We want the child’s cortex to be alive with mental processing as much as possible when with a screen machine. Take a look at the 100 Family Media Literacy ActivitiesI have compiled to help parents engage children and teens in talking and writing processes. Cognitive involvement with media messages means the child will be thinking, analyzing, and discerning—practicing important mental tools for persevering when faced with a challenge.

It may seem too easy. But reducing mindless screen time and increasing intellectual engagement via screen machines are the differences that can make all the difference. Try them. See for yourself how your child’s abilities to persevere grow while you both enjoy accomplishment after accomplishment.

1. Amy Chua, “Why Chinese Mothers are Superior,” The Wall Street Journal, January 8, 2011.
2. Fred Emery, University of Alabama, quoted in Endangered Minds, Jane Healy, Simon and Schuster, 2005, p. 203.

Copyright © 2011 Gloria DeGaetano, all rights reserved.  

Gloria DeGaetano is the founder and CEO of The Parent Coaching Institute, the originator of the parent coaching profession and a speaker and author on issues related to parenting well in a media/digital age

Her methods aside, most parents I know would agree with Amy Chua (author ofThe Battle Hymn of the Tiger Mother) when she says “the best way to protect…children is by preparing them for the future, letting them see what they’re capable of, and arming them with skills, work habits, and inner confidence that no one can ever take away.” (1) All of that, especially the part about “no one can ever take away,” was an important piece in my parenting. I wanted my sons to understand at a deep level within themselves, that their core identity was intact always—no matter if they failed or succeeded—and that they alone held the decision-making process to further their development, or not. I was their co-pilot.

Because of my profession, I had the advantage of knowing the best parental practices that worked…at least on paper. Knowing and doing are two entirely different birds. Even though I failed many times, as we all do when trying hard to get it right for our kids, it helped me to have a handle on those critically-important-things-for-parents-to-do-that-give-the-best-chances-for-the-most-positive-outcomes. I have summed many up in the Parent Coach Certification® Training Program so that family support professionals would have this information to help parents. I have identified the top five in my book,Parenting Well in a Media Age. And over the span of three decades I have helped thousands of parents to tease out what’s most important during the non-stop distractions in rearing children.

So what would be the critically-important-thing-for-parents-to-do-that-give-the-best-chances-for-the-most-positive-outcomes for children to grow into adults “armed with skills, work habits and inner confidence that no one can ever take away?”

Teach them how to persevere when faced with a difficulty—all kinds of difficulties. Cognitive difficulties such as a math problem they’re grappling to solve, emotional difficulties such as adjusting to a new school, or just your average, daily difficulty such as struggling with putting on socks. Children need to stay in the messy, uncomfortable place long enough for the answer, the new feeling of peace, or the sock to fall into place. Practice does make perfect and so often, the temptation of quick success overrides the determination needed to stay in the trying phase and keep trying until the desired outcome is realized. In our instant everything world, this is often tricky for children and teens to learn and difficult for parents to teach.

However, there is one way to get started that I know helps moms and dads create the space necessary to teach their children perseverance: Reduce or totally limit passive TV time and any nonsensical video game, gadget, or Internet time.

Children can stay with frustrating experiences for longer periods if they spend less time with mindless use of screen machines. It will be so much easier to encourage your child “to take more time working on the math problem,” if he isn’t in the habit of living in a virtual world. School success depends upon the child’s inner core being able to companion a frustrating process to an acceptable solution. And, of course, when able to stay a difficult course, a child’s self-respect grows. What a grin from ear to ear and what a feeling of satisfaction children experience when they have been to the edge and so wanted to give up—but didn’t. That’s true for all of us, isn’t it?

I recently interviewed a successful personal trainer on the subject of motivation. What makes some people able to push through to get to the next level of fitness? Why do others give up? In his years of work, he has observed that the “push-throughers” are able to experiment with new techniques, exercises, etc., without freaking out if they fail. They have an attitude of yes, it’s going to hurt, it’s going to be uncomfortable, it’s going to take more from me than I think I can give, and, yes, I will do it imperfectly until I get it. Going to these places is part of the expected journey to fitness. Anticipating that it won’t be easy these folks can “push themselves.” And what’s more, they know this process never ends—as they improve with certain exercises and movements, a good trainer presents the next level of difficulty. This is expected because they know their own line between overworking and underachieving. In essence, achievers determine their own frustrating process that works to nudge them—just enough—without collapsing. Although the trainer presents the exercise program, achievers are internally driven to practice what works for them to move forward. And they do.

For successful people, normal means moving through a frustrating, uncomfortable process, achieving the goal, and starting over again with a new goal. Now if only all parents could bottle what attunes high achievers to accomplish this! I believe it is a combination of self-knowledge that once in a challenging situation it takes time and effort to overcome it, along with the acceptance of frustration as a normal part of the process. Achievers learn quickly it’s OK to feel uncertain and be uncomfortable, expecting negative feelings to be replaced with positive ones when success is reached. They stay with the difficult process long enough to feel success. By doing so they reinforce their will and determination. They feel stronger because they have become stronger. They feel more successful because they have succeeded. It’s true: success breeds success. Once a child tastes success that originated from his/her own sweat equity there’s no stopping them. Taking on challenges becomes a natural part of living.

The actual participation in difficulties perfects the self-reinforcing success process. We can use screen machines to provide such practice. For instance, when a teen writes her own poetry on her iPad, she is using generative cognitive skills and must think, ponder, decide, cancel out, and stay with the process of making her message in the form she wants. She must monitor herself in the creative act and make on-going choices—often difficult choices—to say what she means to say. She perseveres to her intended outcome and feels the thrill of creative accomplishment. Playing video or computer games, as well, reinforces feelings of satisfaction and success. We have to be sure that the game is non-violent otherwise negative, anti-human messages are reinforced and the child or teen feels and becomes successful mimicking anti-social, even evil behaviors.

Usually the mundane uses of digital gadgets don’t do much to teach our kids to persevere to an outcome. Chatting with friends, texting, and playing inane computer games won’t allow a growing brain the types of opportunities necessary to learn how to stay in a frustrating process. And passive TV viewing? Forget it. Such viewing time can be considered “prolonged idleness of the prefrontal cortex.” (2) We want the child’s cortex to be alive with mental processing as much as possible when with a screen machine. Take a look at the 100 Family Media Literacy Activities I have compiled to help parents engage children and teens in talking and writing processes. Cognitive involvement with media messages means the child will be thinking, analyzing, and discerning—practicing important mental tools for persevering when faced with a challenge.

It may seem too easy. But reducing mindless screen time and increasing intellectual engagement via screen machines are the differences that can make all the difference. Try them. See for yourself how your child’s abilities to persevere grow while you both enjoy accomplishment after accomplishment.

1. Amy Chua, “Why Chinese Mothers are Superior,” The Wall Street Journal, January 8, 2011.
2. Fred Emery, University of Alabama, quoted in Endangered Minds, Jane Healy, Simon and Schuster, 2005, p. 203.

Greg, an accomplished geologist and author of several books, tells of the time he “stumbled” upon his career:

“When I was a kid, I did watch TV, but I can also remember a lot of time just being by myself and thinking. One favorite thing to do on summer days was to lie under the oak tree in the back yard and look up at the clouds, trying to see various shapes in them. It wouldn’t be uncommon for me to spend an hour or so doing that. Another favorite activity was sifting through dirt pretending to look for gold or diamonds. I vividly remember one Saturday morning being outside in the chilly autumn air and feeling the cold, damp dirt in my hands. I was putting stones of different shapes in various rows, when I got an idea. I thought, “I wonder if a person can do a job like this?” Being seven years old I had never heard of the word, geologist. When I found out there was such a thing, I couldn’t believe it. I thought by thinking it first, I had somehow invented the career. Later I realized that I had luckily discovered my life’s work digging in the dirt as a kid.”

Parents often tell me a version of Greg’s story. Perhaps it wasn’t their life’s path they discovered, but an important insight about themselves or a totally new understanding about the world. Free-range mental meanderings as children often influence us signiifcanlty as adults. But even more than that, slices of daily “down time” provide wonderful opportunities to design an interior life.

Philosopher Jacob Needleman explains in his book, Money and the Meaning of Life, that materialism really means “we experience the external world as the strongest force in our lives…The inner world is no longer experienced as vividly as the outer world. The outer world begins to seem more real, more compelling, more exigent. Life in the external world begins to have more apparent value to the individual and the society.” (p. 58) Since an industry-generated culture with its emphasis on the material must always focus on the external in order for it to exist, it’s no wonder that as a society we don’t place an emphasis on the growth of an interior life. Inner qualities, like integrity, are invisible and thus can’t be seen or valued as significant. Therefore, as parents we must be quite intentional in creating home and local community environments that allow our children and teens access to their inner terrain. If we want to raise children with character, it’s important to remember that virtues, such as honesty, empathy, and generosity, make up the personality. They can’t be imposed or taught. Rather they are birthed inside of a person when the interior life of the person reflects those qualities.

An interior life is to our minds what an enclosed porch is to our house. It’s a place separate from, yet a part of the structure in which we live. It’s a place to meet ourselves and have a good chat. It’s a seclusion to muse and ponder. It’s a timeout where we can regroup and understand ourselves better. We enter when we wish and leave when it’s time. Hopefully, it’s a room of light; a place where we achieve clarity and purpose.

Healthy emotional development depends upon how much we like ourselves. How can children come to like who they are, if they don’t spend time inside getting to know themselves? Consider the following two children, both eight years old.

Melissa has spent three to four hours a day watching television since she was two years old. She now has a TV in her bedroom and often falls asleep with it on. Melissa dislikes schoolwork because she can’t get quick answers. She has a hard time sitting still and has started acting out in class. Melissa’s teacher is concerned that she won’t be well prepared for fourth grade. Her parents are thinking about getting her tested because of language delays, inappropriate classroom behaviors, and poor academic performance.

Beth has watched one hour a day or less of television since she was three years old. Her bedroom is TV-free with lots of books. She likes to draw and has her own sketch pad. She will often sit and draw for an hour or so after school. She usually has some sort of project going. Currently she is helping her mom put family photos in albums chronologically. Beth is not an A student, but she works hard and can sit and do her homework without need of too much help from her parents. Her teacher is pleased with Beth’s efforts and her classroom behavior.

Who is growing up with a positive self-image, Melissa or Beth?

Because Beth has more opportunities for self-discovery, she also has the advantage of being more in charge of herself. She is participating more fully in life than Melissa is because life is easier for her than it is for Melissa. Since Melissa’s environment doesn’t make it easy for her to “go inside,” difficulties are compounding. As she gets tested at school and labeled as “learning deficit,” her sense of self will likely further diminish. With more adults controlling her behaviors and identifying her as a “problem,” how can Melissa acquire a positive self-image?

Building self-awareness and self-understanding can be strengthened at any age. While ideally the child would be on the road to a positive self-image before the age of eight, there is plenty parents can do in later childhood and during the teen years if it looks like a negative self-concept is taking hold. The key is for parents to understand the critical importance of providing opportunities. Discovering and building an interior life opens up whole new ways of being in the world and brings important insights for interacting healthily with others.

When our child exclaims, “I’m bored!” often that reflects more a state of his or her self-image than actual boredom. The child isn’t seeing him or herself as capable of coming up with interesting ideas. When my sons would say to me, “I’m bored,” I was tempted to tell them, “A child who is bored likely will become a boring adult,” as my mother told me. But I didn’t. Instead, I would give them my fabulous ideas: How about writing that thank-you card to Aunt Sally? What about a board game? Well, it looks like it’s time to go outside.” And they, of course, would reject my hopeful considerations with upturned eyes and petulant mouths. One day, when they were around seven and nine I found myself getting more irritated as they countered all my suggestions. It finally dawned on me that as I was giving them ideas of things to do, I was denying their ability to figure out their boredom in their own way. So, I said to them, “I want you to sit on that couch over there and stay bored. Yes, that’s right. Just sit there. When you are done being bored, you can get up.” They looked at me like I was nuts and then looked at each other as they had no alternative but to do as I said. They knew in my voice that I was fed up.

After awhile of sitting and “just thinking” they did figure something out and had fun playing an imaginative game they made up. Without this opportunity to think things through in self-reflection, I doubt if they would have come up with the game. Artists call this inside space “the fertile void,” where nothing is happening, but everything is possible. Visiting it means an incubation opportunity—a vital time for the seed of a new idea to sprout. Without such introspection time, humans cripple creative expression. By going within and “just thinking,” children also build resiliency skills for tackling life’s demands. Sorting and sifting through inner ideas and feelings builds self-knowledge, too. Introspection is the way children can get acquainted with their interior lives. To do it optimally, though, they need “stimulus shelters.”

Keeping our homes quiet havens for self-reflection is a mighty challenge in our noisy, harried culture. After all, children no longer live in a nineteenth century Secret Garden world where they amble through nature in walled-off comfort. Yet, on-going research in environmental psychology shows that too much stimulation has serious side effects. The more overly-stimulated children get, the more likely they will have trouble sitting still to wander their mental landscape. Actually initiating time to be inside of self can seem a huge obstacle for a lot of kids. Why? Too much stimulation takes away the capacity for introspection. Hence, a vicious cycle is set up, made even more insidious by the reliance on our “screen machines” to keep kids entertained.

Like any skill, introspection can be learned when practiced. Try these out with your children or teens and observe the positive changes:

• Take a day on the weekend for a family inventory. Are there changes that can be made such as a rule to limit blaring music after a certain hour? Find out what works for family members to spend quiet time “inside their heads.” Discuss how you can help each other gain time and space for introspection by being more aware of everyone’s needs.
• Provide a special place for “quiet thinking.” It may be an overstuffed chair in the living room or a kitchen nook. Maybe you will create one with a few pillows in a corner of the rec room. Wherever it is, when a child (or parent) is there, it means, “Please do not talk to me. I am taking a mental journey away from it all. Will talk with you when I come back.”
• Keep the TV off when no one is watching it. This isn’t healthy “background noise.” Rather it contributes to children’s perceptual chaos. Kids won’t go inside easily with the TV replacing the focus of attention.
• Invite “think-links.” These are times to link with one’s own thinking. As a classroom teacher, I used to have my students put their heads down on their desks and “just think about” a question I asked for five minutes before raising their hands. When helping your child with homework, you can do the same. When frustration mounts and answers don’t come readily have your son or daughter close eyes and do a “think-link.” With your child calmed down, ask one question that might get your child headed in the right direction. Give him at least five minutes to think about the question. Don’t talk about anything at this time. After the thinking time is up, discuss any insights or ideas your child has come up with. Observe how he or she links to own thinking given a time-out to do so.
• Ask the question, “What are you saying to yourself about __________?” This is a handy question to ask when reading aloud to children or when they are reading to you. For teens, it’s an excellent question when they are in a dilemma, not sure which choice to make. It opens up self-knowledge and an opportunity for us as parents to peek into how their minds are operating and make course corrections as needed.
• State the sentence, “I see you need to think about that a bit.” When our children want us to make a quick decision for them, this is an excellent opportunity to give them a chance to reflect upon what they’re asking. Similar things we could say are: “Why don’t you reflect on what you just said for the rest of the day, and then let’s talk about it tonight?” Or “I like the way you are taking time to think this through.”

The greatest parental challenge seems to be finding self-nurturing time. This can mean time to unwind after work, or with our spouses having a quiet dinner together, with friends to chat and catch up, or time for a quick shower or a luxurious, long bath. Precious moments like these allow us to draw from our parenting well to refuel, renew, and refresh, enhancing our ability to be more fully present to our children when we return to them.

Why not make a commitment to yourself right now to give yourself the gift of nurturing your interior life on a regular basis? Here’s a way to get started:

As you go about your day, ponder two affirmations. Print them on the back of a 3×5 card that you can glance at throughout the day:

• Today, I find five minutes (or more) to be inside myself and just think.
• Today, I intentionally discover what inspires me to feel appreciation and hope.

As our awareness of our own interior lives grows, we can share insights gained with our children and celebrate together the benefits of “going within”. Building on the human brain’s limbic resonance of a shared, emotional life, parents can find developing an interior life a natural, nurturing process—for the entire family.